Spinning

I'm here to warn you this post is primarily negative.   I promise I will try to find the positive at the end because that what you are supposed to do, but right now I'm kind of spinning.

I want to just bullet point all the stressors in my life right now that have kept me in hiding.  Hiding is my defense mechanism when I feel overwhelmed.  I wish it wasn't but I can acknowledge that I do it.  I'm trying to get better at it.  I'm sorry if you've been trying to contact me recently and I've been hiding.  I still love you.

• May has been fun and amazing and busy and overwhelming.
• The first week I went to Massachusetts.  It was one of the most amazing trips of my life and I worked some professional development there that reaffirmed what my teaching goals are.
• The second week I realized that I REALLY wanted to Loop with my class to 4th grade.  In mid-April, I wrote to the Va Dept. of Education to find out what credit hours I need to extend my teaching certification from pK-3rd to pK-6th.  I found out the 2nd week in May. I need a basic math and a basic science.  Ok! I thought.  But in the back of my mind, I was super annoyed at JMU for not telling me.  I mean, I could have knocked those out in a May session or two. Grr.   So within the span of 2 days, I applied and got in (haha) to Northern Va community college and registered for the two courses I need:  a 6 week math course (two nights/week 6p-9:30p on the campus) and an 8 week online course.  
• Third week in May meant a weekend away at the beach and I love the beach.  And I loved the girls I went with.  Also meant the start of my classes.  Also yikes.
• Fourth week in May is now.  It's going to get its own bullets.
• I'm completely overwhelmed taking 7 college credits and working full time at school and planning and getting 3rd graders prepared for SOL tests and ending the school year (18 days).
• I've already fallen behind in my science course and I'm nervous about not being able to catch up.
• I stressed myself out so much about my math test last Monday that I ended up with a sinus infection (which I did beat without medicine) but it took me down for a few days. 
• ALL FOUR OF MY PARENTS have been in the ER over the past week for various maladies.  Most are perfectly fine.  That I have to say Most and not All is terrifying me to my core.  I will reveal absolutely zero details on here except to say that I love my parents and it's absolutely KILLING me to live 3 hours away. 
• My college classes are making me nervous.  They don't end until July 11.   I want to have a summer.  I'm nervous that I won't have much of one.
• Sleep would be nice but are you surprised that I am having trouble doing that?

• You know when you're stressed and stuff just seems a million times worse than it probably actually is?

• Also, there was a dead chipmunk in the backyard.  It was maggoty and I almost vomited.  I did not move it because I couldn't.  Gross.

So yeah, that's where I am.  And you might not know it by looking at me.   Well, you would tonight because it's written all over my face.  Puffy eyes, permanent brow crease, the works.  

Remember when I told you I would find the positive?   well....

I'll find some next week or tomorrow or even later tonight.  I promise.   For right now I have to go for a run because if I don't, I might explode.

Mom said just keep putting one foot in front of the other and only look at one day at a time, not the big picture right now because that's what's stressing me out. 

I know she's right.

One foot.

Who are "Bah Humbugs"?

Turns out, people at the gym don't care for when I call out the answers in Teen Jeopardy. 

"Who are 'Haters'?"

also, I got one some plenty wrong. I'm human. and it was hard.

Learning!

Today I learned how to take a screen shot on my computer!  It was incredibly easy, but I never looked it up.

It inspired me to take a class over the summer at Apple to learn other cool computer tricks!

Screenshots of today:

Changes

A lot of changes in 2011. 

Some I don't understand.

Some it will take me time to get on board with.

Some I don't know if I'll be able to get over for awhile. 

Some I know that I need to work on.

Some are joyous news.

I'm figuring it all out and looking within a lot recently.

2011... growing and changing and hopefully learning

Lost and Found

I'm going to be pretty honest here. For about 3 weeks, I have been a little blue. Inexplicably. And not exceptionally noticeable. There's so much good in my life and in the world and I definitely see and appreciate all of that, but there is still something plaguing me. And I don't know what it is. I've tried to figure it out. Is it my job? I haven't been 100% happy there, except when I am teaching my kiddos. Is it something else? Is it a combination? I'm still trying to figure it out so I can feel the warmth and peace that I enjoy this season. I can feel it...

This was my horoscope today:

It's time to go back to the beginning to get the inspiration you need today. Remember back when you were enthusiastic about where you were going? The passion is still there, you just have to dig down deep enough to find it! This process of digging will take your mind off of the work you're doing right now and help you stay distracted enough to not worry -- worrying is not going to help you one bit, so why bother? Call up a fun friend and get back in touch with what really matters.

Ok. I need to dig deep and refocus and get back to what is important to me. I think some Lists are going to come into play...

An Actual Meehander...

So, this blog is called the meehanderings and I do a lot more sharing of information that actual meandering, thinking, processing, musing, observing...

So here's my Meehander for today: I think that Rudeness should be outlawed.

Why be rude? Why be rude for spite? It just invokes more rude.

Where did this meehander come from? The damned Blue Car.

There is a "neighbor" that lives on another street who parks his damned Blue Car literally in front of our house. Why? He could park it nearer to his house. I think he likes to get under our skin. It makes me feel angry. Why should I care? Because I do. Because it's rude. There are some things you shouldn't do. He knows we have a houseful of people and if he only parked on the other side of the street, he wouldn't be putting any of us out.

My blood boils when I see him. My face grumps when I see his stupid pretentious blue car in front of our house. It makes me want to do really catty things. I want to block him in. I want to leave a note. One time I gestured toward his house. These are not lovely colors in me.

At this point, it's plain Justice. I don't like that stupid car in front of my house because he does things like: park so that no one can parallel park behind him-- leaving 3/4 of a space directly in front of our house, he also leaves his car there for a lot of the weekend and we have frequent house guests.

It's annoying.

In the grand scheme of things, is it a big deal? No. But it's rude. And I can't stand it. I can't stand rudeness for NO reason! At least have a reason other than self-absorption.

I've seen him. He's not friendly. He knows what he's doing is wrong and he avoids eye contact. Guess what? He won't avoid eye contact next time I see him. See, he doesn't realize that I'm a problem solver and he is a Problem.

I'm going to solve him. Maybe I'll be diplomatic. I'll try not to throw rocks.

Lou says we've got to fight back with funny. I agree. We have grand plans for funny and his car. We'll make him his own "designated" parking space (Justin Bieber Lovers Parking Only, anyone?). We literally came up with a list of things to prank him... but they have to happen soon or I might not be able to control my Problem Solving...

My meehandering is that Rude is Terrible. Rude makes more Rude. Blatant Rude doesn't even make normally not rude people want to take the high road.

I want him and his stupid car to meander far, far away from my house.

In the meantime, we'll start constructing that car port....

Chargers

...and not the team from San Diego.

There are certain people in your life who are your Chargers. They are the people you can talk to in your lowest times, in your happiest times, in their lowest times, in their happiest times, in tough times, in fun times, in sad times, in curious times... and they will always re-charge your inner batteries. If you're feeling sluggish and bogged down by life, just talking to them will feel like a breath of fresh air that lets you slow down... lets your brow uncrease... lets you laugh and breathe again.

I'm SO thankful for the Chargers in my life.

Now the rant part...

Sometimes people can be too caught up in their own lives to notice that a friend is in need. I'm so thankful for all the people who stuck by me last year and knew I'd be back to "me" again. I appreciate the people who didn't just want to be around the Fun and Crazy me. Because that's not me all the time. It's just not. It's not ever going to be. And I don't regret any decisions I've made about not putting myself around people who only want me one way. Thankfully, my glass is Much more full of Fun than anything else right now, but sometimes the contents shift and change because I'm normal. I'm human. I'm real.

I'll always be thankful that I feel my feelings. A co-worker of mine pokes fun at my "Poker Face" (or lack there of). It's true. You can always tell how I am feeling just by looking at me. And I'm not sure I want to change that... I'm a passionate person... and I like to feel. Lately at my place of work, I've been feeling more frustrated than anything else. Not with my students, but with other things that I will not discuss in such a public forum, but it takes it's toll on me. I have always been taught to stand up for what is right and what is fair and to go after what I want... and in my case, what my team wants.

Jana gave me a magnet for Christmas one year that said, "Given a cape, I'm fairly certain I could save the world." Sometimes I wish I could...

I'll keep trying...

... as long as I have my Chargers near me.

Roses and Thorns

Rose: The first and second day of school have been AWESOME. I really like my crew so far! They are sweet and hilarious.

Thorn: My macbook is in the "shop" because it stopped charging. So I am forced to use my work Dell. Blah. I like being an apple snob and I miss my computah.

Rose: I've been very productive in my evenings so far this week. I seem to be staying on top of things.

Thorn: I haven't walked my dog enough so she's woken me up in the middle of the night both nights.

Rose: I cooked enough food Tuesday night to last me for the rest of the week.

Thorn: I haven't walked my dog enough so she's woken me up in the middle of the night both nights. (worth two thorns)

All in all, there have been a lot more roses than thorns.

Let's keep that up!!

Happy New Year!

This post is so cheesy. Or is it?

The end of the summer is always a time of change for teachers (and everyone, probably, in some form or another). The school year for us is a fresh start. It's a time of renewal. It's a time to try different things. It's a time of renewed excitement for why we chose our profession. Pencils are sharpened. Most times, the air starts to change a little. Maybe it gets cooler. Classrooms get set up... chairs are set out and tables are clear... A brand new set of students will show up in my classroom on Sept. 7. It truly is a fresh start...

I kind of feel like 2010 has been quite a journey of change for me. Tumultuos fo' sho' but also amazing and wonderful.

I am starting to get melancholy and waxing poetic because my fantastic, relaxing summer is ending.

I was listening to this song tonight...

**you're welcome for the little sneak peek of Taye Diggs. My love for him will be another post**

And I couldn't help but Really listen to the words...

525, 600 minutes.

525,000 moments so dear.

525, 600 minutes... how do you measure a year?

In daylight? In sunsets? In sunsets? In cups of coffee?

In inches? In miles? In laughter? In strife?

In 525, 600 minutes, how do You measure a year in the life?

How about: Love?

Seasons of love.

And it got me thinking? How do I measure my years?

I have to step back and wonder first: When does a Year even start? For me, the "new year" doesn't start in January. It starts in September. I always thought that was because that's when school started. And since I turned 5 (on the first day of Kindergarten, mind you), every September meant a new year. But it's also my birthday. September 2. I turn a year older. I LITERALLY start a new year.

Year 28 has been an especially tumultuous one.

The first season (Fall) was incredibly tough. I would definitely measure that season in "strife". Maybe even a little "pity". Some "protection" and "frustration" in there. I might even be so bold as to say "misery". And a dash of (probably suppressed but still in there) "gratefulness" for the friends and family who supported me through that tough season and start of my year. They knew deep down the other seasons would be easier.

The second season (Winter) started even worse than Fall, but about a month in, I made some changes in my life. I would measure that season in "determination". I worked hard against all my natural no-self-control instincts. I made some positive life changes-- diet, outlook, attitude-- and winter ended with my time measured in pounds of "gratefulness" for the friends who "whewed" because the tough seasons were ending. And maybe it ended in "pride" because I was actually doing what I wanted to do-- which was begin to make myself healthier inside and out.

The third season (Spring) was absolutely measured in "laughter". I finally felt like myself again in the spring. I could be silly and happy and fun. I could enjoy other people and sometimes I think they enjoyed me. The dark clouds and gloomy weather were behind me in other seasons. Spring ushered in "renewal" and "appreciation" and "regret" and "high spirits".

The fourth season (Summer) has been the best season yet. I'm measuring it in "inches" and "miles" and "daylight" and "midnights" and "time". I got to snuggle with my dog inches away from me in the sleepy summer mornings. I drove and traveled miles and miles this summer to see friends and family and have adventures. I got to spend my daylights however I wanted, with no job dictating when I had to be somewhere. I saw every midnight in the summer because I stayed up late enjoying the fact that I could. I had Time. So much time. I truly feel like I had enough time this summer. I've never been able to say that before. This season truly refreshed me and it makes me feel like I might have a great next year... being able to start it so renewed.

It's time for another year. It's time for the first season. Next week is September and my birthday and back to school. Happy New Year!! I'm not sure how I'll measure my year this year. But I'll be sure to stop and reflect and look and remember each season. How will you measure your seasons? Even if you can't answer that now... try after each season.

But one thing's for sure... make sure you measure each season with Love. Sept. 2010- Sept. 2011.

Today I learned...

... that dog fur just shines when you use pantene shampoo and conditioner on it...

And she smells good, too.

Can't Sleep, Brain's Full

Well, I can't sleep. Not surprising, giving the busy-ness of today.

I can't sleep. There are too many thoughts out there. Currently, it's how much I despise the George Lopez Show. His scratchy voice irritates me.

I can't sleep. I am thinking about some of the conversations my friends I had earlier. I don't ever want to sacrifice friend time for a boy ever again. I used to be really bad at that. But it's my True friends who have been there for me even after the all-consuming, caitie-light-darkening storms have passed through. So, I never want to miss out on my friends for a boy. Not again.

I can't sleep. The Top Chef contestant who was voted off tonight was SHOCKING. But he used too many ingredients all the time. Keep it Simple.

I can't sleep. There's a balance that needs to be created between time for me, time for my family, time for my friends and someday, time for my man. I will work on the first 3 right now.

I can't sleep. I read an article tonight about how people who claim they're "green" are still using plastic water bottles and driving solo to work instead of carpooling. Fake green. I'm fake green. I often think, "but one day when I have my Own house..." or "When I can organize my own kitchen..." But why do I think my life hasn't started yet? It's started. It's very much going along... What do I think is around the corner?

I can't sleep. I'll be 29 in 3 weeks.

I can't sleep. I want to reorganize my classroom. I want all my furniture magically in place before I arrive. I want a strong person to come in with me on Tuesday afternoon and help me move things. I don't think I'll have that, so I might as well get those "super slider" things you see on infomercials.

I can't sleep. I keep typing "I want" when I should be typing "I'd like".

I can't sleep. I obviously need to sleep or I wouldn't be rambling. I watched a scary movie tonight. Not like AAAAA scary, but creepy scary. Obsessed with Beyonce and Ali Larter. It was freaky and I think it put me on edge.

I can't sleep. I'm going home tomorrow. I think I need to go on a retreat and hole myself up at my mom's and read and relax.

I can't sleep. I'm about to pick up Eat, Pray, Love and start it. I hope it helps with some clarity that I also need.

I can't sleep. I'd like double paychecks to come one month, just to get a little bit ahead.

I can't sleep. I want to focus on the positive in my life. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my pup, I love my job. I get to be me these days. I had a blast with the ladies tonight. I love being silly with them. Lou got a promotion that's been coming to her for years. I cleaned the bejeebs out of our house and organized the craft room.

I can't sleep. August is a tough month on the budget. I want to go to JoAnn's fabric store and buy some fabric to make book holders for my kids. Like these.

I'll try to sleep.

Some things I'm noticing this summer

1. Make-up is optional. And not probable.

2. I'm probably going to start wearing these a lot:

3. As referenced by above picture, I don't brush my hair much either.

4. I'll probably start pizza-stalking Spike from Top Chef in DC.

5. Not working is the BEST. I didn't know what I was missing.

6. July is almost over and that Could make me sad, but then I remember that I have almost all of August left.

7. You can meet really cool people on planes.

8. I can talk to Joy any time of the day.

9. When Phebe naps, I nap.

10. Blogs are awesome. Especially this one: http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/

See Me

I saw this movie over Winter Vacation:

It was AWESOME! I was so inspired by Sandra Bullock's character. She had heart, she had moxie, she had GUMPTION! If you are into those things at all, go see this movie. Seriously, when I left the theater, I decided that her character was the type of person I want to be.



Go see it. As soon as you can!

Confirmed

I don't understand it. But it's been confirmed on several occasions.

IF you are driving and you see someone with any variety or number of stuffed animals in their back window, they WILL drive under the speed limit.

Far under the speed limit.

Are they trying to protect their animals? (p.s. They aren't real!)